Five syndromes and how their symptoms have manifested themselves in my life. These five signs point—quite convincingly—to the fact that my life has already peaked.
Escapist Fantasy Addiction:
I Play the Lottery.
Playing the lottery isn’t sad—just stupid. Most lottery players haven’t given up on life; just their future earning potential and their ability to understand math. BUT, I know I’m not going to win, and I play anyway just so I can fantasize about a life I know I’ll never have. It’s a clear sign I’ve given up.
The Rise of Enfeeblement:
Walking Counts as “Exercise”.
For the first nine months, walking was a struggle. For the next 38 years it was the easiest way to get from one point to almost any other point within 200 feet. Somewhere along the way walking became a viable form of exercise. Now, I walk around my neighborhood at 6:00 am like a douche hoping that I’ll look better and die less early than I otherwise would.
Atrophy of the Soul:
I’m an Asshole—and I Don’t Care.
There was a time when I wanted to be a better person—in fact I was a better person. I would feel bad if I was an ass to someone—even if they didn’t say anything. Then I was screwed over by women, my career flat-lined, and I realized the world is full of dicks who can’t drive. Now, I say to people “Yeah? So I’m an Asshole. It’s not like I’m a bad person. I just don’t care.”
The Death of Denial:
Fuck it. I’m an Alcoholic.
Now, I’m not an alcoholic that can’t hold down a job or keep a marriage together. I go to work (yes, sober). I pay my taxes (not always sober). I spend time with my family (sometimes sober). It would be easy to deny I’m an alcoholic. But why? Could I stop? Yes. Am I going to stop? No. Does that make me an alcoholic? Well, without getting into an existential discussion of what it means to be an alcoholic, sure. Why not? So, why deny it.
Cultural Rigor Mortis:
The First Time I Heard of Lady Gaga…was on Good Morning America
Yeah. This one…it’s hard to say, but it’s totally true. When I was young, I heard about bands from friends—real people. Often, I heard about them before they became mainstream. Now? Well, apparently George Stephanopoulos and Robin Roberts know more about music than I do.
If you know of any other signs my life has peaked, please don’t hesitate to comment. Funniest comment will win the honor of being the funniest comment. Cash value: $0.